Best TV Of The Year
(By Rob Sheffield, Rolling Stone, December 2013)
What a year
for TV – so many moments of audacious creativity, from groundbreaking dramas
like Game of Thrones to that VH1 flick about TLC. From the Red Wedding to
"Red Light Special," these were the greatest TV moments of 2013:
Russian spies, New Orleans witches, bloody swords, sex doctors, prison,
politics, Stephen Colbert getting lucky and Walter White saying goodnight.
20: Jimmy Kimmel Live, ABC
Yeah, nothing happened. But that just made their
face-to-face confrontation seem more real. It was a timely reminder of what TV
still does better than any other medium – famous people acting crazy in real
time. No disrespect to Ben Affleck.
19: House of Cards, Netflix
As a fabulously corrupt Congressman, Spacey struts through
Capitol Hill, cutting one throat after another. Toward the end, he stops into
the chapel to light a prayer candle and muse, "There is no solace above or
below. Only us, small, solitary, striving. Battling one another. I pray to
myself. For myself." And this is how the man talks in church.
17: CrazySexyCool: The TLC Story, VH1
The juiciest VH1 band-bio flick since Hysteria: The Def
Leppard Story. (You remember – the one with Anthony Michael Hall as Mutt
Lange.) Their conniving manager Pebbles is like Tywin Lannister with better
wigs, as Chilli, T-Boz and Left Eye chase the waterfalls of hip-hop fame. If
you don't shed a tear when the girls go into their pre-show huddle to chant
"TLC! MTB!" ("meant to be!") you must be a creep indeed.
16: Scandal, ABC
President Fitz meets his ex-aide Olivia Pope at a solemn
occasion: the christening of the chief of staff's baby. Naturally, they slip
off to go have hatecore spite-sex in the boiler room of shame. The prez says,
"I may not be able to control my erections around you, but that does not
mean I want you." Just another night on Scandal – this soap has some of
the most depressing sex scenes since the days when Al Swearengen used to get
blown and reminisce about his childhood.
15: American Horror Story: Coven, FX
A couple of witches bond in a Louisiana swamp cabin,
listening to Fleetwood Mac's "Rhiannon." They ponder the greatness of
Stevie Nicks. "The white witch!" one gushes. "This song was her
anthem. Doesn't it just penetrate your soul and tell the truth about everything
you've ever felt in your whole life?" The other replies,
"Totally!" Rock on, gold-dust witches.
14: Rock My RV With Bret Michaels, Travel Channel
Best reality TV of the year, if not the decade. "I
rocked the world, and now I'm about to rock your RV!" Bret promises
motor-home dwellers he can turn an ordinary beat-up Southwind Storm into
"a really classy rolling piece of art." Trashy, yet strangely moving,
it's the "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" of hair-metal auto-shop reality
shows.
13: The Americans, FX
Two Russian spies pose as a suburban married couple in 1981,
with sex, treachery and nuclear paranoia. It also has TV's smartest soundtrack,
especially when Roxy Music's poignant art-rock elegy "Sunset" plays
as the KGB ships a baby back to Russia after they've killed its parents – just
another pawn in the Cold War game.
12: The Colbert Report, Comedy Central
Daft Punk were (allegedly) booked to give a very special
"Get Lucky" performance at "StePhest Colbchella, '013: The Song
of the Summer of the Century: It Ain't the Heat, It's the Rock-midity!"
But when they (allegedly) pulled out, the host had no choice but to do the song
himself, raising his cup to the stars with Henry Kissinger and Charlie Rose.
This bit was so funny it made Robin Thicke seem cool for about 30 seconds.
11: Orange Is The New Black, Netflix
The jailhouse drama has a slammer full of fearsome inmates –
but none more fearsome than Red, the Russian kitchen boss, pretty much
unrecognizable from her days as Capt. Janeway or Mrs. Columbo. She's at her
most badass when she goes on the hunt for a chicken, explaining, "All I
wanted was to eat the chicken that was smarter than other chickens and to
absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev."
10: The Golden Globes, NBC
The best award-show hosts since Chris Rock stopped doing
this shit. They took shots at everyone in the room – like when Tina Fey said,
"Quentin Tarantino is here, the star of all my sexual nightmares."
Even though everybody knows the Golden Globes is the most laughably pointless
of all award shows, these two made it crackle with excitement – as they put it,
"You can smell the pills from here!"
9: Eastbound & Down, HBO
The last waltz for our beloved slob hero: Kenny lives out
the joke of American manhood, wrecks his marriage at the karaoke bar and
battles his nemesis, Ken Marino's Guy Young, for control of his sports-chat
show. So Kenny and Guy meet on the lake for a jet-pack showdown. A moral
victory for Kenny – but like all his victories, it just makes him an awesomer
loser.
8: Video Music Awards, MTV
Now this is what live TV is for – absolute offensiveness at
all costs, with a former Disney moppet grinding her crotch on psychedelic teddy
bears, flashing her tongue and endorsing drug-crazed hijinks. It was like the
teen-pop Red Wedding. (Except the look on Rihanna's face was all "You speak
Valyrian?") Thank you, Miley, for leaving a trail of sex slime all over
the stage, not to mention America's brain.
7: Girls, HBO
When it comes to failure porn, nobody can touch Lena Dunham
for agonizingly intimate laughs. This year Girls violated practically every
orifice in the human body, right up to the ears. (Like the guy in the Q-tip ads
used to say, "Never stick anything inside your ear, except your
elbow.") But as Hannah, Lena Dunham was at her funniest and most
vulnerable in her ping-pong fling with a type of guy she's never met before –
one who thinks she's beautiful. ("That's not always the feedback I've been
given.") For a minute there, she gets a glimpse of what it might feel like
not to despise herself so damn much all the damn time. Then she goes back to
normal. Better luck next year, sweetie.
6: Key &
Peele, Comedy Central
President Obama pours the pinot and puts on a smooth-jazz
version of "Hail to the Chief." Then he negotiates with the first
lady for a little Oval Office personal time, using their translators Luther and
Katendra. "When was the last time we had sex, woman? Re-¬election night?
What does a brother not named Bill Clinton have to do to get some pussy in this
house?" These brilliant sketch-comedy dudes always delve into forbidden zones
of sex and race and politics and food. And they're really great at food, as in
their inexplicably poignant "Continental Breakfast," which sums up
America as a nation full of lonely, haunted men talking to their meals.
"And what are you, my little friend? Not a spoon, not a fork – something
in between. A fpoon. What will you think of next, Germany?"
5: Veep, HBO
"You're the secretary to the vice president – that's
like being Garfunkel's roadie." Jesus, these people on Veep are mean. No
wonder they're running the country. Has any comedy ever assembled such a killer
ensemble of terrible people being terrible? Julia Louis-Dreyfus' second season
as Vice President Selina Meyer got more hilariously nasty every week, capped by
a finale where she rages about everything from ass-grabbing to the future of
democracy: "I hate impeachments. They're so Nineties!"
4: Masters of Sex, Showtime
Remember when Lizzy Caplan was the struggling actress on
Party Down, ranting, "I'm not mom material, man! I'm an acerbic twentysomething!
The funny but fuckable waitress!" Well, look at her now. Masters of Sex is
easily the year's best new show, with Caplan and Michael Sheen digging deep
into the heart of American sexual repression. No matter how hard they try, they
can't keep their hearts in check – especially in the pivotal scene where he
officially promotes her to research assistant and she officially takes her top
off.
3: Mad Men, AMC
Mad Men's darkest season had its ups and downs – Sterling
Cooper's merger with the rival ad firm of Tedious & Turtleneck was a
dramatic void that threatened to swallow the rest of the story. But the season
ended with a flurry of great episodes, as Don Draper trashed his career as well
as his marriage. The final scene was a real heartbreaker: Don hits the road to
show his teenage daughter the whorehouse where he grew up. They stand there on
a street corner in Pennsylvania, looking like a couple of lost kids, to the
sound of "Both Sides Now." She lifts an eyebrow at this dad she
hardly recognizes. He wonders if she's as doomed as he is. Neither says a word.
What an unforgettable moment.
2: Breaking Bad, AMC
It's all over now, Baby Blue. Breaking Bad gave Walter White
a bang-up farewell tour, as the desert-noir meth king battled with the Nazis,
the cops, and his own poison conscience. The final season had week-to-week
suspense, from his Skyler phone call to the awesomely cartoonish shoot-outs.
(Hey, Walt gets out of a jam by inventing the Car That Shoots People! All other
scientists now look like lazy-ass punks.) The scene that hit hardest: Walt
holes up in his New Hampshire cabin hideout, surrounded by miles of ice and
snow, begging Robert Forster to sit and keep him company. He offers ten
thousand dollars for a couple of hours of playing cards. Forster talks him down
to one hour. For Walter White, this is what his whole criminal empire comes
down to – hiring a fellow crook to make him feel like a regular guy for a few
minutes.
1: Game of Thrones, HBO
Damn – they could have just sent a crockpot or something.
The Red Wedding on Game of Thrones had to be the year's most intense TV
"wait no this can't be happening" shocker, pitched somewhere between
The Wild Bunch and the "November Rain" video. On the spectrum of
emotional torment, it made Ned Stark's beheading look like Liz Lemon's wedding.
Fans who'd read the novels thought they knew what was coming, but they got
sucker-punched along with the rest of us. Talk about the wedding bell blues.
All season long – and in case you missed it, beware spoilers
ahead – Thrones kept throwing in weird glimmers of old-school heroism. Like
Daenarys busting out a few words of Valyrian, or Jaime jumping into the bear
pit to stand by his woman. (A very Anchorman thing to do.) But man, that Red
Wedding.
The brilliant part was how the moment captured the authentic
boredom of a wedding, when dinner's over and everyone sits around itching to
leave. Then you notice the band is playing the wrong song – hey, isn't that
"The Rains of Castamere"? And the dullard you got stuck next to at
dinner – why is he wearing armor? Then it all starts to go wrong. Oh, it goes
so wrong. A monster climax from a monster season. The North will never forget.
Neither will we.
Best TV Shows (And Moments) Of 2013
(By Hank Stuever, Washington Post, December 6, 2013)
My favorite
TV shows this year were dour, cruel and often violent affairs — even my
favorite reality-based show was about death. My go-to dramas were about drugs,
medieval massacres, remorseless Viking marauders, deceitfully unhappy Soviet
spies and a pair of down-in-mouth detectives trying to solve the case of a
murdered child. The most cheerful shows I liked this year were about
incarcerated women treating one another like dirt; sex research in the
repressed 1950s; and a U.S. vice president who says the most vicious things
imaginable. What’s wrong with me? (Don’t
answer that.) While we wait for the
clouds to part, here are my picks for the TV’s best offerings in 2013. And I
wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t also include a list of letdowns, too.
1. Walter
White’s Exit Strategy
Once in a while, I find myself still mulling over and savoring little moments from the final episode of Vince Gilligan’s “Breaking Bad” (AMC), arguably the best TV show in a generation. Why, just the other day I was thinking about the poisoned Stevia packet on Lydia’s cafe table . . .
2. “Orange
is the New Black”
Netflix has
pulled ahead in the race to reinvent TV, but don’t look to “House of Cards” for
proof. Instead look at creator Jenji Kohan’s perfectly written, hilariously
profane, character-rich adaptation of Piper Kerman’s memoir about life in a
women’s prison. Enjoy it with a nice kiev.
3. “Masters
of Sex”
First I was
hooked by Lizzie Caplan’s sharp work as the adventurous half (Virginia Johnson)
of the famed sex-researching duo that started hooking up willing subjects to
the orgasmatron. But as Showtime’s drama got going, it’s been Michael Sheen’s
portrayal of the complicated, moody Dr. William Masters that’s been the real
revelation. Also? Fantastic ensemble performances, especially Allison Janney as
the pent-up wife of a med-school provost. The best new series this fall.
4. “The Red
Wedding”
The bloody
and horrifying high/low point of what turned out to be the best season of HBO’s
“Game of Thrones” so far.
5. “Time of
Death”
Showtime‘s
brave and meaningful docu-series about what it’s like to die of illness. This
was a respectful, uplifting and soberingexample of what reality TV would look
like if it had a soul.
6.
“Broadchurch”
Quite
possibly the most morose-yet-mesmerizing summertime treat ever, BBC America
aired the hit British miniseries starring David Tennant and Olivia Colman as
detectives investigating the murder of a boy in their small, seaside town.
(Tennant is now slated to star with “Breaking Bad’s” Anna Gunn in Fox’s
Americanized remake, called “Gracepoint.” Only network execs can explain how
this could possibly be a good idea.)
7. “The
Americans”
FX’s steely,
suspenseful drama about a pair of stressed-out Soviet spies living and working
in the Washington suburbs of 1981 hinges on Matthew Rhys’s top-notch
performance. The show was robbed at Emmy-nomination time, but heartily endorsed
by wigmakers everywhere.
8. “Vikings”
Brutal and
permanently dour, just like the Vikings themselves! I enjoyed History’s
detailed foray into series drama, starring Travis Fimmel as Ragnar Lothbrok.
(Of the hill people.)
9. “The
Returned”
Sundance
Channel’s airing of this hit French miniseries left a lot to be desired, but I
was satisfyingly skeeved out by Fabrice Gobert‘s story of small-town residents
who come back from the dead – not seeking to devour brains but to find closure
with their loved ones.
10. “Veep”
Not to
Gary-grovel at its feet any more than I already do, but Armando Iannucci‘s HBO
comedy is still the one to beat when it comes to spot-on spoofs of a
Washington’s politico culture.
Biggest Letdowns Of 2013
This has
become a real personal peeve, as shows like NBC’s “Hannibal,” Fox’s “The
Following,” AMC’s “The Killing” keep treating a crime scene like it’s an MFA
thesis exhibit. Murder is horrible enough all on its own (“Broadchuch” made it
as simple as a boy’s body at the foot of a cliff); it doesn’t need art
direction, wires, costumes, paint, glitter, branches, antlers, feathers, etc.
The idea of the killer-as-curator is a desperate (and now cliched) byproduct of
writers who think they need to outdo other crime shows in the gore department.
2. “Mad Men”
season 6
A
finger-drumming, do-nothing wait for something – anything – to happen. It did,
when Don melted the Hershey’s account, and possibly his career. Also, I was
stunned to see “Mad Men,” with its reputation for details, appear so clumsy
with costuming hippies and psychedelic fashion trends.
3. “Behind
the Candelabra”
A sordid,
unfeeling and certainly overpraised HBO movie about the sad end of Liberace. I
guess viewers were distracted by the stunt casting, makeup and bedazzled hissy
fits.
4. “Girls”
The second
season of Lena Dunham‘s endlessly discussed HBO dramedy left me feeling
underserved. But I could be lured back with a season focused mainly (only?) on
Adam Driver’s portrayal of Hannah’s moody ex-boyfriend. In which case the show
could be called “Guy.”
5.
“Homeland”
Showtime‘s
anti-terror drama still has its occasional moments (I loved the episode where
much-missed fugitive Nicholas Brody [Damian Lewis] arrives at the Caracas
slum-scraper), but just about everyone agrees this season has been a real mess.
And, honestly, with some recent real-life diplomacy breakthroughs with Iran, is
this such a good time for a TV show to be sending a fictional Marine to Tehran
to take out the leadership?
6. “The
Walking Dead”
Walking in
circles, mostly, despite its huge popularity (and, I admit, a satisfyingly
disruptive mid-season finale last week). Still, though, raise your hand if you
wanted to get in that station wagon with Carol (Melissa McBride) and see what
else could be found.
7. The fall
season
Networks
continued their skid toward oblivion with tepid offerings, especially in the
comedy department. Among the worst: “Dads” (Fox), “Welcome to the Family”
(NBC), “The Goldbergs” (ABC), “We Are Men” (CBS), “The Michael J. Fox Show”
(NBC) . . . need I go on?
The 50 Best Albums Of 2013
(By Stereogum staff, 03 December 2013)
Earlier this
year, New York Times pop critic Jon Caramanica wrote a
piece about pop’s Summer Of Smooth, about how many of this year’s big
warm-weather crossover hits were soft and breezy and immaculately produced and
comforting pieces of throwbacky, slick pseudo-R&B. Robin Thicke’s “Blurred
Lines” drove the narrative, but it also encompassed Bruno Mars and Justin
Timberlake and Daft Punk and Drake. If you wanted to reach a bit, you could
also extend the same story to indie rock. This is, after all, the year Ariel
Rechtshaid became a smart-pop production baron by helming albums from Vampire
Weekend and HAIM and Sky Ferreira and Charli XCX. It’s the year the National
once again affirmed their calm, tasteful, wood-scented dominance. It’s the year
that Phoenix inoffensively ascended to festival-headliner status, and that
Disclosure crossed over to indie by goosing its dance music with high-stepping
and laser-precise R&B hooks.
But it’s also the year a lot of other stuff happened. Even
as Drake arguably became rap’s center, this was the year that its margins
overflowed with scarily talented wiseacre noisemakers, MCs unafraid to yelp and
snarl and yammer over backfiring 808s and slice-your-face synths. It’s the year
old-timer processed-guitar monsters like Kevin Shields and Trent Reznor
returned with guns-blazing, sounding better, once again, than we ever could’ve
hoped. It’s the year superstar acts got weird and confrontational and maybe
self-undermining, making some fascinating and sometimes great music along the
way. And if it’s not the year metal got smart and tough, it sure as hell is the
year metal stayed smart and tough.
If you’re looking at our list as an indicator of the Year Of
Smooth, you’ll find plenty to support your hypothesis. There are plenty of
clean and friendly and professional melodies contained therein, and many of the
Summer Of Smooth movers are represented. But there’s even more rupture: Mavericks
fighting against the flow of their genres and of music in general, making
messily ambitious, noisy, sprawling, smoke-emitting monsters when many would’ve
been happy to see them hit their marks and get out. Our #1 pick is top-shelf
superstar self-sabotage, and its close runner-up is darkness-and-light sprawl
that seems, in many ways, targeted toward annoying the genre faithful. Further
down, you’ll find plenty that’s both agreeable and disagreeable: Synth-drone
wizards, heartfelt ’90s-indie revivalists, spacey guitar noodlers, DIY
shit-starters, two different A$AP Mob members.
The cast of writers who put this list together is quite
different from last year’s rogue’s gallery. That means our list is as much a
reflection of those changes as it is of the year itself, and it’s part of the
reason you’ll now see a word like “Gorguts” on a list like this. But all those
different enthusiasms — sometimes working together, sometimes flying on
cross-currents — mean a diverse and passionate mess of opinions, and at least a
couple of great albums that you almost certainly haven’t heard yet. The actual list of albums is here:
Stereotyping You By Your Favorite
Album Of 2013
(By Tom Hawking, Flavorwire, December
9, 2013)
It’s that
wonderful time of the year! Yes, it’s December, which means we get to make many
end-of-year lists and generally pontificate about what we liked and didn’t like
about 2013… but more importantly, it’s also the time when we get to apply
gratuitous stereotypes to music fans everywhere. It’s something of a tradition
at Flavorwire to ponder what your favorite album of the year says about you, so
without further ado, here we go again! (Our obligatory disclaimer: this is
a lighthearted exercise, so don’t get all pissy about it — and, yes, our
stereotype is on here, and it fits perfectly.)
Daft Punk — Random Access Memories
Well-off 30-somethings who have office jobs and spend a lot of time reminiscing about how the pills used to be better “back in the day.”
HAIM — Days Are GoneWell-off 30-somethings who have office jobs and spend a lot of time reminiscing about how the pills used to be better “back in the day.”
Girls who own several of those flowing ’70s full-length summer dresses.
The Knife — Shaking the Habitual
Gender studies majors.
Chvrches — The Bones of What You BelieveGender studies majors.
Gender studies minors.
The Julie Ruin — Run Fast
Tenured gender studies academics.
Julia Holter — Loud City SongTenured gender studies academics.
Music majors.
The Haxan Cloak — Excavation
People who own actual cloaks. Black ones.
Sky Ferreira — Night Time, My TimePeople who own actual cloaks. Black ones.
Bushwick indie girls who go two at a time into the toilet.
Foxygen — We Are the 21st Century Ambassadors of
Peace and Magic
People who are super nice to you in person and shit-talk you behind your back.
Lorde — Pure HeroinePeople who are super nice to you in person and shit-talk you behind your back.
Poptimists who consider themselves “sophisticated.”
Frank Turner — Tape Deck Heart
Punks who live in terror that someone will find out about their trust fund.
The National — Trouble Will Find MePunks who live in terror that someone will find out about their trust fund.
Wine club subscribers.
Arcade Fire — Reflektor
People who moved to Williamsburg seven years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.
The Strokes — Comedown MachinePeople who moved to Williamsburg seven years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.
People who moved to the Lower East Side 15 years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.
Savages — Silence Yourself
Solemn Londoners who have been described as “angular” at least once in their lives.
Miley Cyrus — BangerzSolemn Londoners who have been described as “angular” at least once in their lives.
Tweens gone bad.
Kanye West — Yeezus
People who like arguing about music more than they like listening to it.
Arctic Monkeys — AMPeople who like arguing about music more than they like listening to it.
The small pocket of people in Northern England that constitutes the NME‘s print subscriber base.
Oneohtrix Point Never — R Plus 7
Studious men who used to subscribe to The Wire.
Tim Hecker — VirginsStudious men who used to subscribe to The Wire.
Studious men who still subscribe to The Wire.
Pearl Jam — Lightning Bolt
Men in their 30s who haven’t heard of half the stuff on these end-of-year lists, anyway.
Death Grips — Government PlatesMen in their 30s who haven’t heard of half the stuff on these end-of-year lists, anyway.
Conspiracy theorists.
Laura Marling — Once I Was an Eagle
Girls who like crafts and have an intimidating knowledge of tea.
Majical Cloudz — ImpersonatorGirls who like crafts and have an intimidating knowledge of tea.
Indie dudes who are very in touch with their feelings.
Autre Ne Veut — Anxiety
Indie dudes who’d like you to believe they’re very in touch with their feelings.
Waxahatchee — Cerulean SaltIndie dudes who’d like you to believe they’re very in touch with their feelings.
Indie girls who are very in touch with their feelings.
Speedy Ortiz — Major Arcana
Girls who like hardcore and pop music.
Atoms for Peace — AmokGirls who like hardcore and pop music.
Men who are far too old to have ponytails.
Blood Orange — Cupid Deluxe
Stylish fashion industry guys who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.
Janelle Monáe — The Electric LadyStylish fashion industry guys who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.
Stylish fashion industry girls who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.
Eminem — The Marshall Mathers LP 2
Angry mid-20s white men who drink Coors Light and are concerned about rising gas prices.
Disclosure — SettleAngry mid-20s white men who drink Coors Light and are concerned about rising gas prices.
Shoppers who generally enjoy the music that gets played in H&M.
Barenaked Ladies — Grinning Streak
Scruffy men who look like a real-life version of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons and make you slightly ashamed of your strong urge to punch them.
Tyler, the Creator — WolfScruffy men who look like a real-life version of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons and make you slightly ashamed of your strong urge to punch them.
People just getting into Odd Future.
Earl Sweatshirt — Doris
People just getting over Odd Future.
Paramore — ParamorePeople just getting over Odd Future.
Early 20s types who nurture inexplicably fond memories of pop punk.
Lady Gaga — ARTPOP
Jeff Koons.
Fuck Buttons — Slow FocusJeff Koons.
Guys who casually discuss doing esoteric psychedelics with names made up of letters and numbers.
Danny Brown — Old
People who appear to be permanently on several such psychedelics.
Paul McCartney — NewPeople who appear to be permanently on several such psychedelics.
Jann Wenner.
James Blake — Overgrown
Thirty-somethings who work at investment banks but still consider themselves “hip.”
Yuck — Glow and BeholdThirty-somethings who work at investment banks but still consider themselves “hip.”
Dudes who are too young to remember the ’90s but are totally sure that was the time they should have been alive.
My Bloody Valentine — mbv
Dudes who should be able to remember the ’90s but don’t.
Superchunk — I Hate MusicDudes who should be able to remember the ’90s but don’t.
Dudes who actually do remember the ’90s.
One Direction — Midnight Memories
Early 20s ingenues who still insist on teddy bears and pink-painted walls.
M.I.A. — MatangiEarly 20s ingenues who still insist on teddy bears and pink-painted walls.
People who’ll corner you at parties and talk extensively about how Edward Snowden proves they were right all along.
Kurt Vile — Walkin’ On a Pretty Daze
Benevolent stoners.
Chance the Rapper — Acid RapBenevolent stoners.
Benevolent trippers (who may or may not be music journalists).
David Bowie — The Next Day
Music journalists whose tripping days are behind them.
Chelsea Wolfe — Pain Is BeautyMusic journalists whose tripping days are behind them.
Brooklyn girls who have adopted goth as a semi-ironic fashion statement.
Icona Pop — This Is… Icona Pop
People who will admit with a little sympathetic prompting that, no, they didn’t realize Charli XCX wasn’t in the band.
Los Campesinos! — No BluesPeople who will admit with a little sympathetic prompting that, no, they didn’t realize Charli XCX wasn’t in the band.
Priapic liberal arts students who spend a lot of time on OKCupid.
Iceage — You’re Nothing
Fascists Hardcore purists.
Boards of Canada — Tomorrow’s HarvestEarnest men who have been wearing the same brown cardigan for a decade.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — Push the Sky Away
Australians.
Pharmakon — AbandonAustralians.
Intense, hollow-eyed girls who are very attractive but also genuinely terrifying.
Pusha T — My Name Is My Name
Hip hop heads who miss Clipse.
Jay-Z — Magna Carta Holy GrailHip hop heads who miss Clipse.
People who think nothing of dropping several thousand dollars on a plasma-screen television.
Vampire Weekend — Modern Vampires of the City
Well-groomed bros under 25 who have stock portfolios and own more dress shirts than T-shirts.
Justin Timberlake — The 20/20 ExperienceWell-groomed bros under 25 who have stock portfolios and own more dress shirts than T-shirts.
Creepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies.”
Drake — Nothing Was the Same
Creepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies” and want you to feel their pain.
R. Kelly — Black PantiesCreepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies” and want you to feel their pain.
Creepy smooth-talking bros who will pressure you to do unspeakable things in bed.
Best Music Of 2013
(By Chris Richards, Washington Post, December 6, 2013)
Sorting
through this year’s avalanche of pop music, mysteries abound: What is this I’m
feeling? Is it right or is it wrong? What rhymes with ‘hug me’? What does the
fox say? The year’s finest albums,
however, provided us with concrete answers about the tensile strength of our
tear ducts, the durability of our commitments and the shape of slow jams to
come. These are the 10 best of 2013.
Top Ten
Albums of 2013
1. Kacey
Musgraves, “Same Trailer Different Park”
The dread of
the millenials can’t be captured in a selfie, so Nashville’s newest star is
picking up the slack and singing about what happens when a generation of
idealists inherits a broken country. With optimism in her melodies and calm in
her delivery, she’s dropped one of country music’s strongest debuts in forever.
2. Kanye
West, “Yeezus”
Continue to
dismiss Kanye West at your own risk. With his feral sixth album, the rap auteur
extends his reign as pop music’s most volcanic force, refusing to shut up, back
down, play nice or cash out. And his boldest album is always the one that’s
coming next.
3. Bill
Callahan, “Dream River”
Here’s a
songwriter, a soothsayer, a stoic and a smuggler who can’t help but find new
ways to bury treasure inside ordinary folk songs. “Dream River” feels as vast,
intimate, recognizable and unknowable as true love. Or America.
4. Lonnie
Holley, “Just Before Music”
It’s an
album by an eccentric Alabama sculptor, released in 2012, re-released with
bonus cuts in 2013. But it’s also a free jazz fever dream from the deep South,
a babbling Baptist sermon from deep space, a lullaby for the end of the world,
a songbook that’s frequently beautiful and occasionally frightening.
5. Ashley
Monroe, “Like A Rose”
Only the
greats can compartmentalize crisis as gracefully as this silver-voiced
27-year-old. Demure and devastating, Monroe’s saddest country tunes have come
to steal your tears. Hydrate accordingly.
6. Paramore,
“Paramore”
The
embattled rock band’s fourth album finds the trio honoring their commitments
with their hair on fire. They’re still standing, still together, still playing
a style of post-emo that’s long gone out of style with a tenacity that never
will.
7. Roberto
Fonseca, “Yo”
This
Havana-born pianist isn’t afraid to hit hard and get personal, detonating the
walls surrounding Afro-Cuban jazz and rearranging the debris into a very
flattering self-portrait.
8. Danny
Brown, “Old”
Rap has gone
from “CNN for the streets” to “Tumblr with 808s,” but ugly memories of urban
survival are still churning inside this Detroit native’s skull. He exorcises
them with a stuffy-nosed squawk that’s every bit as jarring as the worst of
what he’s seen.
9. Kelela,
“Cut 4 Me”
Half
romance, half science fiction, this L.A. rookie’s R&B debut reads as if she
learned to sing about heartache in some airless, digital, post-human future.
10. Steve
Gunn, “Time Off”
As
contemporary songwriters surf rivers of blood, sweat and tears, hoping the
world will take notice, this Brooklynite plays circular folk songs that unfold
as effortlessly as a breath. The fact that he’s making no special bid to be
heard means we might want to listen especially close.
Three Worst Albums Of 2013
Miley Cyrus,
“Bangerz”
A white
Disney Channel graduate embraced a hyper-sexual image while pantomiming what
she heard on black radio. In the shadow of Britney Spears and Justin
Timberlake, how is that anything other than familiar? Miley’s ascent may have
provided America with the great comfort scandal of 2013, but her lifeless new
album rang out like an afterthought.
Jay Z,
“Magna Carta… Holy Grail”
In addition
to rapping like a bored bazillionaire, Jay spent his summer flirting with
performance art and data collection, shedding his relevance and his hyphen in
the process.
Arcade Fire,
“Reflektor”
When the
world’s most ponderous indie rock band marches into the discotheque, we must
double-knot our dancing shoes and run far, far away.
Best Movies Of 2013
(By Ann Hornaday, Washington Post, 05 December 2013)
May we
stipulate that 2013 has been a flat-out, stone-cold, hands-down spectacular
year in movies? Which means that many of
us are frustrated. After all, the average filmgoer only sees about six films a
year. This is being written at a time when there are at least 10 must-see
movies in area theaters, not to mention titles that are stacking up in our
on-demand queues like backed-up shuttle flights circling Reagan National.
And guess
what: There are more on the way. Even with names like Soderbergh, Spielberg and
Lucas decrying the current state of cinema in recent months, it’s still easy to
choose 10 movies of exceptional ambition, vision and artistic sensitivity – so
easy that we decided to expand the list to a lucky 21. And that’s leaving out
such standouts as “Blue Jasmine,” “Before Midnight,” “Rush,” “Short Term 12,”
“20 Feet From Stardom” and “Frozen” – to name only a few. With such above-average fare to choose from,
filmgoers may want to adjust their averages, too.
1. “12 Years
a Slave”
Steve
McQueen’s stately, searing drama invited viewers to inhabit a chapter of
American history by way of galvanizing performances, visual poetry and
unforgettable moments.
2. “Inside
Llewyn Davis”
This
sepia-toned evocation of 1960s New York perfectly captures an era, its music
and the nearly forgotten artists who made it all possible.
3. “Stories
We Tell”
Sarah
Polley’s ingenious documentary fused fact and fictional techniques to create a
fascinating meditation on family, memory and meaning.
4. “Enough
Said”
In one of
his final roles, James Gandolfini was the sweet-natured anchor to Julia
Louis-Dreyfus in a bittersweet, consistently hilarious romantic comedy for
grown-ups.
5. “All is
Lost”
Robert
Redford delivered a nearly wordless performance in writer-director J.C.
Chandor’s tour de force of pure cinematic storytelling.
6. “Her”
Spike
Jonze’s brilliant futuristic love story starring Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett
Johansson captures the zeitgeist with flawless wry humor, pathos and visual
brio.
7. “Gravity”
This year’s
single best reason to ditch the couch and go back into theaters, Alfonso
Cuaron‘s sci-fi ride brought vigor and unmatched technical virtuosity to the
humble Popcorn Movie.
8. “Mud”
What could
have been a Southern gothic curio became a touching coming-of-age story, thanks
to star Matthew McConaughey and writer-director Jeff Nichols.
9.
“Fruitvale Station”
Filmmaker
Ryan Coogler made the year’s most smashing debut in this wrenching fact-based
drama, featuring a breakout lead performance from Michael B. Jordan.
10. “Frances
Ha”
Greta Gerwig
and Mickey Sumner embodied the passions and pitfalls of female friendship in
Noah Baumbach’s kicky urban comedy-drama about young adulthood in modern-day
New York.
11. “The Act
of Killing”
Joshua
Oppenheimer audaciously interrogated pure evil by way of cinematic tropes in
this unnerving investigation of Indonesian deaths squads.
12. “In a
World…”
Lake Bell’s
smart comedy about an L.A. voice-over artist tackled sexism, show business,
self-confidence and romance with sharply observant elan.
13. “Museum
Hours”
Jem Cohen
sent viewers on an intoxicating tour of Vienna in this immersive tour through
the riches of the Kunsthistoriches and beyond.
14. “Ain’t
Them Bodies Saints”
Texas noir
received both a jolt and much-needed touch of lyricism thanks to filmmaker
David Lowery and a trio of terrific performances from Casey Affleck, Rooney
Mara and Ben Foster.
15. “Captain
Phillips”
You’ve
already heard that the last 15 minutes redefine screen acting, but they also
redefine all that’s gone before.
16.
“Nebraska”
Alexander
Payne’s father-son drama featured a career-making performance from Bruce Dern,
and a melancholy glimpse of Recession-era casualties in the Corn Belt.
17. “Medora”
The
nonfiction flip side to “Nebraska,” this riveting documentary about an Indiana
high school basketball team perfectly captures the American Dream at its most
tattered.
18. “Mother
of George”
Andrew
Dosunmu’s rapturous melodrama, set in the African diaspora in Brooklyn,
featured gorgeous images captured by cinematographer Bradford Young.
19.
“American Hustle”
David O.
Russell’s anarchic ode to the 1970s that uses the FBI Abscam case as a backdrop
to examine striving, conniving and self-deception.
20. “Dallas
Buyers Club”
Matthew
McConaughey and Jared Leto transformed themselves from the inside out in the
service of a funny, touching drama set at the height of the AIDS epidemic.
21. “Lee
Daniels’ The Butler”
Part
historical pageant, part domestic drama, this occasionally unwieldy tour
through American history was enormously entertaining – and confirmed that, no,
there’s nothing Oprah can’t do. Respect.
'Blurred Lines': The Worst Song Of
This Or Any Other Year
(By Rob Sheffield, Rolling Stone, December 06, 2013)
Congratulations,
Robin Thicke! "Blurred Lines" is the worst song of this or any other
year. I can't remember the last time there was a hit song this ghastly – the
sound of Adam Sandler taking a falsetto hate-whizz on Marvin Gaye's grave. I
guess the year's not over yet so it's theoretically possible a worse contender
could emerge, but I don't see it happening. Let me put it this way: Christina Aguilera
and Mariah Carey could pay their holiday respects to Lou Reed with a duet
medley of "The Black Angel's Death Song"/"O Little Town of
Bethlehem" and it would still be a distant second.
It was easily the worst summer hit since the 2001 remake of
"Lady Marmalade" – the one where somebody said, "Hey, let's redo
'Lady Marmalade' without the cowbell, because it would be a better song that
way." But that was a hit for about two weeks, whereas "Blurred
Lines" has stuck around forever. It's not just another terrible song. Its
historic badness is an achievement that demands respect.
How can one song cram in so many failed decisions per
minute? How can this poor guy aspire to be Marvin Gaye with vocal chops better
suited to the Fred Durst songbook? How could he look so lost and terrified next
to Miley at the VMAs? Didn't anyone tell him how dippy he looks holding a
microphone when the other hand's in his pocket? How can Pharrell sound so
embarrassed to be there? Nothing embarrasses Pharrell. (The guy spent the summer
on the radio comparing his boner to "the rising of the phoenix" and
he made even that sound cool.) Note: I
have zero interest in persuading you to agree with me. If you enjoy
"Blurred Lines," I wouldn't dream of changing your mind. But I'm
still amazed, after all these months of airplay, at my immature and irrational
loathing for this song. Understand, it's not simply a reasoned critical
perspective, pointing out the obvious flaws in craft and tone. It's more like:
I want to hurt this song. I want to wound it emotionally. I would fantasize
about punching this song in the nose, if songs had noses. I want this song to
cry.
Musically, it rips off a beloved soul legend. I refer, of
course, to the Nineties boy band Color Me Badd – specifically their 1992 Number
One hit "All 4 Love." Which wasn't even the best Color Me Badd song –
that would be "I Wanna Sex You Up." What kind of addled mind tries to
jack "All 4 Love" instead of "I Wanna Sex You Up"? How dare
he defile the Color Me Badd legacy? You're no Color Me Badd, Robin Thicke.
You're no Mint Condition or Hi-Five. You're not even Another Bad Creation.
As for Marvin Gaye – nothing wrong with copying genius if
you do it right. "Got To Give It Up" creates the illusion of unforced
ease, as if Marvin just breezed into a party that was already grooving full
blast. But "Blurred Lines" sounds like a guy trying miserably hard to
get it right, and therefore getting it wrong. He packs in all these cutesy
do-I-make-you-proud details. (Oh, that "hey hey hey.") He sings
"good girl" like he's cheering up a depressed shih tzu. He strains
his sniffly little screech trying to prove he's worthy. But alas, he's unworthy
of George Michael's stubble. Unworthy of Marvin Gaye's non-functional silent E.
Unworthy of four-fifths of Robyn's name. As a connoisseur of pop trash, I'm
baffled I can't find anything to like about a song this bad. That's part of why
I hate it. Also, in terms of geometry,
it's impossible for lines to be blurred because lines are straight by
definition. If they get blurred, they're not lines anymore. Then they're
"squiggles" or "blotches" or something. This is just math,
Robin Thicke!
I always thought I could never hate a song more than Cat
Stevens's "Wild World," and indeed, "Wild World" always
sounds every bit as terrible as I remember. "I never want to see you sad,
girl / Don't be a bad girl" – that has to be the worst lyric of the
pre-Robin Thicke era. The way Cat hums along with the piano solo – that is some
virtuoso sucking. But Robin has reached Cat's rarefied level. That's not the
kind of sucking you achieve by accident. You have to earn it. And wow, Robin
was willing to put in the work.
Greil Marcus wrote a classic Interview column in 1994 about
the difference between hating the Stone Temple Pilots and hating the Spin
Doctors. For him, hating STP was more fun because he knew he'd keep hating them
passionately for years to come. Whereas, he added sadly, "I know I'll
forget the Spin Doctors." It's true. Some hatreds stay with you and some
don't. I used to think I would hate Vanessa Williams' prom theme "Save the
Best for Last" for the rest of my life. But when it dropped off the radio,
it dropped out of my heart. Now I hear it every few years and think, "Oh
yeah, this one. Damn, I hated this song. 'Sometimes the very thing you're
looking for / Is the one thing you can't see' – what does that even mean? Why
would you be looking for it if you could see it? But as soon as this song is
over, I'm going right back to forgetting it. What happened to us, Vanessa? Where
did our hate go?"
So will "Blurred Lines" stand the test of time?
Will it go on sucking for years like "Wild World?" Is this feeling an
eternal flame? Or will it vanish, like "Save the Best for Last?"
Well, in the words of a band who sucked wildly in 1982 and were immediately
forgotten, only time will tell. But one thing is for sure. Nothing in 2013
sucked like "Blurred Lines." And this was the year we got a Leonardo
DiCaprio remake of The Great Gatsby. Everything next year will just have to suck
a little harder.
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