The List: 2014 (A Guide
To What's In And What's Out In 2014)
(By Monica Hesse and Dan Zak, Washington Post, 31 December 2013)
Houston in
the blind. It’s us. We’re out here in
orbit, untethered, spinning, trying to dodge the debris flying toward us:
jagged shards of computer code from HealthCare.gov and a giant wrecking ball
carrying Miley Cyrus, who somehow got her hands on a slutty spacesuit. Rand
Paul and Wendy Davis are up here too, and low on oxygen (solution: stop
filibustering), as is Edward Snowden, who’s saying we should just head for the
moon, where we can seek amnesty from 2013.
In what
direction are we pointing? North
West-Kardashian? What’s that sound? The dynastic call of the Duck Commander? In
space, no one can hear you quack. You know
who’d be good in a situation like this? Rob Ford. Rob Ford would brilliantly
blunder his way back to Earth, or he would deny ever having been in space at
all. Wait- our radio is crackling with
new voices. Houston? No. It’s…it’s the pope. And Sheryl Sandberg. They want to
talk. They’re saying that to get back you have to lean in. Embrace the future.
So we do, with a list as our instruction manual.
Out/In
Walter White
/ "Orange is the New Black"
Cronuts / Egg Creams
Mockumentaries
/ Mockbusters
Bitcoin / Coin
Content / Context
Austerity / Restraint
Jennifer
Lawrence / Shailene Woodley
Tesla Motors
/ General Motors
Thigh gaps /
Soccer legs
Citizen
journalists / Citizen therapists
Pencil-skirted
secretaries / Madwomen in the attic
Exposed
brick / Brass fixtures
Uber / JetSuite
Dickensian
sagas / Thin reads
D.C.
statehood / Arctic sovereignty
Color runs /
Stroller derbies
Lorde / Betty
Who
Kombucha / Drinking
vinegars
The undercut
for ladies / Fancy lady hair for men
Grindr / Hinge
Kirkland / Price
First
The Dulles
Toll Road / The Silver Line
"Key
& Peele" / "Broad City"
Asteroids / Calderas
Origin
stories Orgy stories
Boy wonder
know-it-alls Nana wisdom Donda Off White Food stamps Tanda tithing
Daft Punk
Todd Terje
Madea Ja'mie
Introverts
vs. Extroverts
Judgers vs.
Perceivers
Disrupting /
Distilling
Beyoncé / Beyoncé
Happy hours /
Breakfasts
Team
gymnastics / Team figure skating
Brussels
sprouts / Cauliflower
Queueing for
gadgets / Strategic Luddism
Cyndi Lauper
/ Stevie Nicks
Denzel / Chiwetel
Soul Cycle /
Gyms in churches
.com / .everythingelse
"This
is everything." / "You do you."
Underage
models / Model rights
Whiny
millennials / Young invincibles
Logan Circle
/ Fort Totten
Ferns /
Succulents
"Keep
Austin weird" / "Buffalove"
Binge-watching
/ Fast-forwarding
Green
burials / Dying on Mars
Pot brownies
/ Gourmet marijuana recipes
The Justins-
Bieber and Timberlake / The Bells- Kristen and Lake
Fireball
Cinnamon Whiskey / Allspice dram
Snapchat / WeChat
Sitters / PANKs
Boot camps /
Sweat-working
"Call
the Midwife" / Midwives for the dying
JFK / WWI
Russia /
Latvia
James Deen /
Stoya
Shade / Side-eye
Deep-frying / Spatchcocking
Open
government / Open shelving
Fox's old
white Santa / SNL's new black woman
Skeet
shooting / Drone shooting
The
Washington Redskins / ANY OTHER NAME, REALLY.
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