Thursday, January 2, 2014

The List: 2014 (A Guide To What's In And What's Out In 2014)

The List: 2014 (A Guide To What's In And What's Out In 2014)
(By Monica Hesse and Dan Zak, Washington Post, 31 December 2013)
Houston in the blind.  It’s us. We’re out here in orbit, untethered, spinning, trying to dodge the debris flying toward us: jagged shards of computer code from and a giant wrecking ball carrying Miley Cyrus, who somehow got her hands on a slutty spacesuit. Rand Paul and Wendy Davis are up here too, and low on oxygen (solution: stop filibustering), as is Edward Snowden, who’s saying we should just head for the moon, where we can seek amnesty from 2013.
In what direction are we pointing?  North West-Kardashian? What’s that sound? The dynastic call of the Duck Commander? In space, no one can hear you quack.  You know who’d be good in a situation like this? Rob Ford. Rob Ford would brilliantly blunder his way back to Earth, or he would deny ever having been in space at all.  Wait- our radio is crackling with new voices. Houston? No. It’s…it’s the pope. And Sheryl Sandberg. They want to talk. They’re saying that to get back you have to lean in. Embrace the future. So we do, with a list as our instruction manual.
Hillary 2016 / Gillibrand 2020
Walter White / "Orange is the New Black"  
Cronuts  / Egg Creams
Mockumentaries  / Mockbusters
Bitcoin / Coin
Content / Context
Austerity / Restraint  
Jennifer Lawrence / Shailene Woodley
Tesla Motors / General Motors
Thigh gaps / Soccer legs
Citizen journalists / Citizen therapists
Pencil-skirted secretaries / Madwomen in the attic
Exposed brick / Brass fixtures
Uber / JetSuite
Dickensian sagas / Thin reads
D.C. statehood / Arctic sovereignty  
Color runs / Stroller derbies
Lorde / Betty Who
Kombucha / Drinking vinegars
The undercut for ladies / Fancy lady hair for men
Grindr / Hinge
Kirkland / Price First
The Dulles Toll Road / The Silver Line  
"Key & Peele" / "Broad City"
Asteroids / Calderas
Origin stories Orgy stories
Boy wonder know-it-alls Nana wisdom Donda Off White Food stamps Tanda tithing
Daft Punk Todd Terje  
Madea   Ja'mie
Introverts vs. Extroverts
Judgers vs. Perceivers
Disrupting / Distilling
Beyoncé / Beyoncé
Happy hours / Breakfasts
Team gymnastics / Team figure skating
Brussels sprouts / Cauliflower
Queueing for gadgets / Strategic Luddism  
Cyndi Lauper / Stevie Nicks
Denzel / Chiwetel
Soul Cycle / Gyms in churches
.com / .everythingelse
"This is everything." / "You do you."
Underage models / Model rights
Whiny millennials / Young invincibles
Logan Circle / Fort Totten  
Ferns / Succulents
"Keep Austin weird" / "Buffalove"
Binge-watching / Fast-forwarding
Green burials / Dying on Mars
Pot brownies / Gourmet marijuana recipes
The Justins- Bieber and Timberlake / The Bells- Kristen and Lake  
Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey / Allspice dram
Snapchat / WeChat
Sitters / PANKs
Boot camps / Sweat-working
"Call the Midwife" / Midwives for the dying
Russia / Latvia
James Deen / Stoya
Shade / Side-eye  
Deep-frying /  Spatchcocking
Open government / Open shelving
Fox's old white Santa / SNL's new black woman
Skeet shooting / Drone shooting
The Washington Redskins / ANY OTHER NAME, REALLY.

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