Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Musical Taste Stereotypes

What Your Taste In Music Says About You On A Date
(By Scott Alden, How About We website, 28 December 2011)
It’s one of the quintessential (and sometimes dreaded) first date questions: What kind of music are you into?  There’s a reason that most people tend to side-step this question with a deft, “A little bit of everything.” It’s because your taste in music reveals a lot about you to potential partners.
Here’s the breakdown:

Bruce Springsteen: You’re a monster in the sack.
Rod Stewart: You’re gross.

David Bowie: You’re selective, but slutty.

Kanye West: You’re kinda mean. In a hot way.
Jay Z: You don’t take any shit. Or at least you know that you’re not supposed to.

Beastie Boys: You believe that loyalty is rewarded.
The Arcade Fire: You spend the first third of relationship in a romantic frenzy and the last two trying to justify it.

The Ramones: Unless you’re over 40, you’re trying to be cool.
Rush: You’re a man. And a nerdy one at that.

Led Zeppelin:  If you’re a woman, you’re hot. If you’re a guy, you’re average.
AC/DC: If you’re a woman, you’re the kind of person who lets a guy move in with you after three dates because he’s temporarily homeless. If you’re a guy, you’re temporarily homeless.

My Chemical Romance: You’re not so much looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend as someone to share a “fuckyeahsuperheroeskissing” Tumblr with.
The Pixies: Relax. You’re cool.

Talking Heads: You’re a good person.
Stevie Wonder: You’re husband/wife material.

Hall and Oates: You’re not the type to let your wistful nature ruin your good time.
LCD Soundsystem: You’re not the type to let your strong sense of irony ruin your good time.

Insane Clown Posse: You’re not the type to let common decency ruin your good time.
Judas Priest: At some point in your life, you’ve sniffed a little glue.

Belle and Sebastian: If you hook up, it’s gonna get weird.
The Shins: You either really liked “Garden State,” or have a giant chip on your shoulder about how people only like The Shins because of “Garden State.”

R.E.M.: You’ve got a big heart.
Tori Amos: You cry during sex and get real quiet after.

That One Peter, Bjorn and John song with the whistling: You’re a human being.
The Mountain Goats: You’re very serious about your feelings.

Van Morrison: You’re a romantic. Possibly with a slight drinking problem.
No Doubt: If you’re a girl, you’re a confident person, but you know what it’s like to get treated like crap. If you’re guy, you’re just trying to get laid.

Nirvana: You’re angry and hurt.
Radiohead: You’re angry and hurt. But you’re open to getting some professional help.

Bebel Gilberto: You’re going to flutter little kisses all over every inch of your date’s body and soon as you get the chance. Also: You’re a foodie.
T-Rex: You’re an asshole.

Bob Dylan: You’re an asshole, but you don’t know it.
The Strokes: You’re not really an asshole, you just act like it sometimes.

The White Stripes: You’re kind of kinky.
Lil’ Kim: You’re really kinky.

Peaches: If you’re not getting a handjob under the table right now, it’s because you’re giving one.
Ani Difranco: You’re a good communicator. Maybe too good.

John Mayer: You’re a virgin.
Nickelback: You have low self-esteem and bad tattoos. But, god bless you.

The Clash: You’re willing to work for it, but you’re kind of pissed that you have to.
The Cure: You fall in love WAY too easily.

Best Coast: You fall in love way too easily, but only for, like, a week.
The Rolling Stones: You’re hot.

Rihanna: You’re hot.
Beyonce: You’re sweet, but not a pushover.

Britney Spears: If you’re a gay guy or a woman, you’re normal. If you’re a straight guy, you’re trying to get laid.
Mandy Moore: You have American Girl dolls. Plural.

Guns N Roses: You’re going to have to sex in the bathroom and regret it.
Joan Jett: You’re going to have sex in the bathroom and not regret it.

Fleetwood Mac: You’re reasonably well adjusted. Considering.
Jewel: Um… are you sure this is a date?

Nicki Minaj: You’re awesome. And kind of crazy.
Lil’ Wayne: You’re crazy. And kind of awesome.

Regina Spektor: You might be a perfectly nice person, but you’re kind of annoying.
Panda Blood: You made that up to see if your date would pretend to have heard of them.

Kid Cudi: No one understands you. But it’s not that big a deal.
John Legend: You have emotional sex.

Eminem: You have emotional problems.
Drake: You’re about whatever.

Vampire Weekend: You’re about being about whatever.
Gogol Bordello: You sweat a lot and you have a nice smile.

Tool: You’re either really smart or really dumb.
Peter Gabriel: Every relationship is a coming-of-age epic of which you are the star.

Leonard Cohen: You’re the kind of person that people get obsessed with for years. Too bad you’re too depressed to appreciate it.
TV on the Radio: You care. Deeply. Even if you act like you don’t.

The Smiths: It’s doomed every time, but it always takes a beautiful, long while to figure that out.
Depeche Mode: You’re screwed up, but you know it, which actually does help.

Cut Copy: You make out in public a lot.
Joni Mitchell: You make breakfast in the morning.

Wilco: You’ll make an excellent life-partner.
The Beatles: Eh. Who knows.


What ELSE Your Taste In Music Says About You On A Date
(By Scott Alden, How About We website, August 19, 2011)
Though 71 artists were covered in our initial “What Your Taste In Music Says About You On A Date” post, you people still weren’t satisfied.  So I’m addressing some of your favorites that may have been neglected in the first round. Here goes…

Coldplay: Missionary position only. But lots of kissing and eye contact.

Queen: You love with the heart of a warrior.
Oasis: You’re the kind of person who does things they’re not supposed to do. Like liking Oasis.

Daft Punk: Depends. You’re either prone to “raging” in the sense of “partying a lot” or in the sense of “throwing your X-Box controller on the floor and smashing it with your purple Sam Jackson lightsaber replica.”
Cat Power: You’re already getting over our inevitable break-up.

Aerosmith: Your wild days are behind you.
Paul Simon: You’re sincerely insightful about your relationship issues, but in the end you decide that it’s not your fault.

Bob Seger: It’s not your first time around the block.
Billy Joel: You know exactly what you’re doing.

Green Day: You get upset over nothing all the time, but bounce back quickly.
Justin Timberlake: You seem really lame at first, then turn out to be awesome.

Weezer: Awkward. And proud of it.
Prince: You’re a little weird, but you make up for it by being a total sex machine.

Cat Stevens: You had a glorious youth.
Red Hot Chili Peppers: You’re not super-interesting, but you’re nice enough and you’re certainly not going anywhere, so…

U2: You’re very loving, but prone to fits of irritating self-righteousness.
The Who: You’re a generally open, curious person, but you get really riled up when people cut you in line and stuff.

Sinatra: It bugs you that people aren’t classier these days.
Lupe Fiasco: You wrestle with moral dilemmas but never at the expense of your chill demeanor.

Mos Def: You’re straightforward.
Madonna: You’re kind of bratty, but you’re hot enough to pull it off.

Lady Gaga: You’re sort of obnoxious, but people can’t help but like you.
There was a minor uproar about not having included jazz in the last list, so I’m throwing a few in here.

Miles Davis: Introspective.
John Coltrane: Deeply introspective.

Charles Mingus: You’re cool as hell.
Thelonious Monk: You’re cool as hell. Even though you’re wearing mismatched socks.

And even though no one complained about it, I’m including a few classical composers here, too.
Brahms: You’re sensitive but guarded.

Beethoven: You’re guarded but sensitive.
Stravinsky: You’re romantic. Sometimes aggressively so.

Mozart: Smartypants.
And here are a few of my favorites from our readers:

From Glow420:
Jack Johnson: chill and easy going, allowing the relationship to take a natural path (versus rushing into anything)
From Anon:
Jack Johnson: You think you’re chill and easygoing, but really you’re just afraid of commitment.

From Tina Starr:
Nine Inch Nails: You’re kinky and and have lots of angry sex.
From Javier Ordonez:
Pink Floyd: Your alcohol/substance use prevented you from making it to the date, but the hours spent in heavy contemplation left you a better person. For now.

Stereotyping You By Your Favorite Album Of 2013
(By Tom Hawking, Flavorwire, December 9, 2013)

It’s that wonderful time of the year! Yes, it’s December, which means we get to make many end-of-year lists and generally pontificate about what we liked and didn’t like about 2013… but more importantly, it’s also the time when we get to apply gratuitous stereotypes to music fans everywhere. It’s something of a tradition at Flavorwire to ponder what your favorite album of the year says about you, so without further ado, here we go again! (Our obligatory disclaimer: this is a lighthearted exercise, so don’t get all pissy about it — and, yes, our stereotype is on here, and it fits perfectly.)

Daft Punk — Random Access Memories
Well-off 30-somethings who have office jobs and spend a lot of time reminiscing about how the pills used to be better “back in the day.”
HAIM — Days Are Gone
Girls who own several of those flowing ’70s full-length summer dresses.

The Knife — Shaking the Habitual
Gender studies majors.
Chvrches — The Bones of What You Believe
Gender studies minors.

The Julie Ruin — Run Fast
Tenured gender studies academics.
Julia Holter — Loud City Song
Music majors.

The Haxan Cloak — Excavation
People who own actual cloaks. Black ones.
Sky Ferreira — Night Time, My Time
Bushwick indie girls who go two at a time into the toilet.

Foxygen — We Are the 21st Century Ambassadors of Peace and Magic
People who are super nice to you in person and shit-talk you behind your back.
Lorde — Pure Heroine
Poptimists who consider themselves “sophisticated.”

Frank Turner — Tape Deck Heart
Punks who live in terror that someone will find out about their trust fund.
The National — Trouble Will Find Me
Wine club subscribers.

Arcade Fire — Reflektor
People who moved to Williamsburg seven years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.
The Strokes — Comedown Machine
People who moved to the Lower East Side 15 years ago and still think it’s just the coolest place in the world.

Savages — Silence Yourself
Solemn Londoners who have been described as “angular” at least once in their lives.
Miley Cyrus — Bangerz
Tweens gone bad.

Kanye West — Yeezus
People who like arguing about music more than they like listening to it.

Arctic Monkeys — AM
The small pocket of people in Northern England that constitutes the NME‘s print subscriber base.
Oneohtrix Point Never — R Plus 7
Studious men who used to subscribe to The Wire.

Tim Hecker — Virgins
Studious men who still subscribe to The Wire.
Pearl Jam — Lightning Bolt
Men in their 30s who haven’t heard of half the stuff on these end-of-year lists, anyway.

Death Grips — Government Plates
Conspiracy theorists.
Laura Marling — Once I Was an Eagle
Girls who like crafts and have an intimidating knowledge of tea.

Majical Cloudz — Impersonator
Indie dudes who are very in touch with their feelings.
Autre Ne Veut — Anxiety
Indie dudes who’d like you to believe they’re very in touch with their feelings.

Waxahatchee — Cerulean Salt
Indie girls who are very in touch with their feelings.
Speedy Ortiz — Major Arcana
Girls who like hardcore and pop music.

Atoms for Peace — Amok
Men who are far too old to have ponytails.
Blood Orange — Cupid Deluxe
Stylish fashion industry guys who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.

Janelle Monáe — The Electric Lady
Stylish fashion industry girls who manage to make things like suspenders look cool.

Eminem — The Marshall Mathers LP 2
Angry mid-20s white men who drink Coors Light and are concerned about rising gas prices.
Disclosure — Settle
Shoppers who generally enjoy the music that gets played in H&M.

Barenaked Ladies — Grinning Streak
Scruffy men who look like a real-life version of the Comic Book Guy from The Simpsons and make you slightly ashamed of your strong urge to punch them.
Tyler, the Creator — Wolf
People just getting into Odd Future.

Earl Sweatshirt — Doris
People just getting over Odd Future.
Paramore — Paramore
Early 20s types who nurture inexplicably fond memories of pop punk.

Lady Gaga — ARTPOP
Jeff Koons.

Fuck Buttons — Slow Focus
Guys who casually discuss doing esoteric psychedelics with names made up of letters and numbers.
Danny Brown — Old
People who appear to be permanently on several such psychedelics.

Paul McCartney — New
Jann Wenner.
James Blake — Overgrown
Thirty-somethings who work at investment banks but still consider themselves “hip.”

Yuck — Glow and Behold
Dudes who are too young to remember the ’90s but are totally sure that was the time they should have been alive.
My Bloody Valentine — mbv
Dudes who should be able to remember the ’90s but don’t.

Superchunk — I Hate Music
Dudes who actually do remember the ’90s.
One Direction — Midnight Memories
Early 20s ingenues who still insist on teddy bears and pink-painted walls.

M.I.A. — Matangi
People who’ll corner you at parties and talk extensively about how Edward Snowden proves they were right all along.
Kurt Vile — Walkin’ On a Pretty Daze
Benevolent stoners.

Chance the Rapper — Acid Rap
Benevolent trippers (who may or may not be music journalists).
David Bowie — The Next Day
Music journalists whose tripping days are behind them.

Chelsea Wolfe — Pain Is Beauty
Brooklyn girls who have adopted goth as a semi-ironic fashion statement.
Icona Pop — This Is… Icona Pop
People who will admit with a little sympathetic prompting that, no, they didn’t realize Charli XCX wasn’t in the band.

Los Campesinos! — No Blues
Priapic liberal arts students who spend a lot of time on OKCupid.
Iceage — You’re Nothing
Fascists Hardcore purists.

Boards of Canada — Tomorrow’s Harvest
Earnest men who have been wearing the same brown cardigan for a decade.
Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds — Push the Sky Away

Pharmakon — Abandon
Intense, hollow-eyed girls who are very attractive but also genuinely terrifying.
Pusha T — My Name Is My Name
Hip hop heads who miss Clipse.

Jay-Z — Magna Carta Holy Grail
People who think nothing of dropping several thousand dollars on a plasma-screen television.
Vampire Weekend — Modern Vampires of the City
Well-groomed bros under 25 who have stock portfolios and own more dress shirts than T-shirts.

Justin Timberlake — The 20/20 Experience
Creepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies.”
Drake — Nothing Was the Same
Creepy smooth-talking bros who refer to women as “ladies” and want you to feel their pain.

R. Kelly — Black Panties
Creepy smooth-talking bros who will pressure you to do unspeakable things in bed.



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