Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of
germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin
Islands . They are now The Islands.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss
his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to
April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in
"manslaughter".
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It
helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker,
a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
card from the game Uno.
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down
"Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test
because Chuck Norris solves all his problems with violence.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his
closet for Chuck Norris.
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say,
"Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you
still have the chance."
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of
excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't
get up the courage to tell him.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in
24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist
and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels
like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies
the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon
Chuck Norris can have both feet on the ground and kick ass
at the same time.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until
he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck
Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world
once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how
many seconds you have left to live.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good
looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the
month.
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because
Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was
the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone
standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because
hair does not grow on steel.
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"
backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your sister.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will
crash.
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick
you in the back of the face.
Chuck Norris can play the violin with a piano.
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck
Norris never fucks up.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people
faster than Death can process them.
In 1991, Chuck Norris shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course,
falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get
erections when they touch his body.
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted murderes
in Boulder County
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but
knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.
Chuck Norris eats the core of an apple first.
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in
all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Champions are the breakfast of Chuck Norris.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch
this.
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite
direction.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have
just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris plays Russian roulette with a fully loaded
revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights
on, he turns the dark off.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he
had made a mistake.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters,
because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and
Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung
like Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with
ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't
dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls Niagara
Falls
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris
said, "say please."
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all
things.
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the
ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was
saving it for Chuck Norris.
Mr. T once defeated Chuck Norris in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe.
In retaliation, Chuck Norris invented racism.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by
"knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean
"babies".
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't
even in a bowling alley.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is
for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs
to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris
can throw Brett Favre even further.
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't
lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Chuck
Norris is.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop
kicking the people of Mexico
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says,
"Now."
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's
fist.
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut hunt
around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply dropped his pants, instantly
killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger,
better nuts than that.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers
of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the
trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He
plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops
between the eye.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with
two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did
find out what happened to Barry.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his
testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of
Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way,
Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply
by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just
better fucking do what Chuck Norris says.
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role of Frodo in
Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three
movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows
where you will die.
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck
Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down and
struck oil.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because
it was following too close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't
see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order
are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse
kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians
as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa
Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
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